Jagged Little Pill

Great song.

That seems to be the theme of the evening around here. There's this girl, a young lady, I've known her for 3 years, and I have tried very hard to be a positive role model in her life. Well, now that she has become a young adult, I'm finding that my past is haunting me. She is officially surrounding herself with a very negative circle that I was once a very big part of. Of course, stories are stories, and they are to be reminisced upon when one's name is mentioned. Now, here I am, realizing that for 3 years of her life, and mine, was just a big waste. I love this girl. I love her as if she were my own. I consider her the closest thing to a daughter I will ever have. Even though I'm very much aware that I'm just a blimp in her life.

Tonight, her father had a deep adult conversation with her, and I have officially been informed that I am just as much a part of a circle I left long ago still to this day. What was once my circle is now her's. Of course, we all have set backs, we all stumble. Within the past year, I've slipped up a few times, and traveled back to that crazy circle. Always for a short period of time. Nevertheless, just enough to still be a part of it. It's been 2 or 3 months, if not more, since I visited that circle. Yet my name still travels. That bothers me. I want so bad to shed a reputation I once had. When does it stop haunting you?

I suppose this all goes back to the previous post. I can't judge her for doing the same things I once did. For living the life, throwing down, partying hard. I damn sure won't condone it. So what do I do? How do I still be there for her. If she even wants anything to do with me. I've noticed in the past month or so that she has been dwindling away from me. We don't talk like we used to, she only comes around when she needs something or wants something.

Its hard when you're informed that "everybody knows". Living in a small town has its perks, but it can really suck the life out of you at times too.

I'm worried for her sake. I know she's strong. Hell, she's stronger than I was at her age. She'll make it out alive. I just wish she didn't have to travel down that road to begin with.

And me. Well, It's very hard when you realize that your past never really leaves. You can forget about it, you can move on, but one day it will come back to bite you in the ass. I'm swallowing that pill tonight. That pill, and the self pity pill. Trying very hard not to feel sorry for myself for doing what I've done to my name.

I'm a strong independent woman. A gypsy. I can pick myself up by the bootstraps and push through this. Mucky Water don't stop me! I suppose we all have a history that comes back to haunt us. I have two choices, move, or face the world I live in. I've run my whole life. I think this time I'll stick it out and push through it. What other choice do I have? Won't I just be reliving the same mistakes again in the long run? Isn't life about learning and moving forward? Not making mistakes and running away.

If that feisty little redhead ever finds this, Please know I love you. I am always here for you. When you need help, I am just a phone call away. I don't like what you're doing, but I'm aware that just like me, you gotta figure it all out on your own.

I'm feeling a bit better already. So glad I started this blog. Three times in one day ya'll? That's a bit scary, ya might not here from me for a few days.

Till Next Time.....