Moving.....

I've moved. Email me if you would like to have access to the new location. Peace.

Its been brought to my attention.....

That I haven't written in quite some time. I suppose its a number of things, nothing to say, nothing I want to say "publicly", working 6 days a week, time. Maybe it's just plain laziness. Life isn't good, but it isn't bad. I'm just kinda standing still it seems as the world passes me by. I'm a mess. Thats nothing new. A flake, an inconsistent and unreliable friend. Another birthday has come and gone, another year older, and nothing new in life. Same ole shit, different week, day, year, month. You get the picture. A few things have also been brought to my attention. My work history. I can't follow through with nearly ANYTHING. Wonder why that is? I just assume say I won't do anything. Then I feel like crap for disappointing people, but I suppose that's better then saying I'll do something and not doing it. I'm truly hating my life here lately. I'm with a very unhappy man, who swears to me that there is NOTHING i can do to change that. Claims its him, not me, yadda yadda yadda. I can't decide what the best way to get around this mountain is. Of course over it, but if there are a few trails to go on, how do you pick the best one? Mama always told me, when in doubt, don't. Therefore, I won't. I'm just gonna let time handle all this crap. I prayed myself to sleep last night for the first time in awhile. Practically begging God for help. I'm at a loss, i'm stuck. I don't know anything anymore. I'm horrible at making decisions. Sticking to the punches. I love my boyfriend, I love his kids, I love our home and our life isn't half bad. So why are we so unhappy? We both have decent jobs, and make decent money. Though his child support is a bit ridiculous, we still manage to get by. He always gets mad at me for attaching my life to his. I thought that's what partners did? So, now i'm writing about nothing. Just wasting away words. Maybe i'll go to church tonight. Might do me some good. Give me some clarity. Please, God, show me some answers.

Ah, Life.....

You never cease to surprise me. Just when I think I've got it all figured out. The switch is flipped. Again.

I'm good. Safe. Just emotionally distraught. Whats new though, right? Been feeling more alone than ever here lately. I'm aware I've done it to myself. I always do. Never let people get to close. It's instilled in me from a time in my life where I had no control. If you allow people to get too close to you, it's inevitable that you'll get hurt. They'll disappear, and you'll be alone anyway.

I've always been socially challenged. I keep trying to make changes in a more positive direction. For whatever reason, its a very complicated and difficult idea for me to grasp on to. I don't understand why I have such a hard time with it. Why I can't figure out how to make new friends, be more socially capable or simply keep up with old friends. Even meeting friends from my past is awkward for me. I'm very uncomfortable.

I suppose it could very well be attached to the low self esteem I seem to struggle with. I seem to feel out of place in every circumstance and situation I am in. Very rarely do I not feel like I am putting on a face for someone else. I don't mean to be fake if that's what I'm doing. I just don't know how to be me I guess. I've struggled with that my entire life.

Here's is something else that is driving me up a wall. I have been so unbelievably wishy washy lately. What is that all about? I raise all sorts of hell about something, only to be just as guilty. I'm falling back to the life long question. Who am I? Have I just been trying on more masks to see if I fall into place.

yet I never do.

i'm not dead.

hello lovly's. just a quicke from my cell to say hello and i'm still kickin. been on the move alot lately and all over the state. had my surgery last week. seem to be healing well. gonna try and write a real post soon. much love.

Life

Life is good. I'm sure that has something to do with my lack of posting here lately. Since the last post I have become unemployed and shockingly reemployed. I love when God has obviously done works in my life. I am now what I call the Bag Lady for a local BBQ restaurant. (We seriously have the best BBQ ever!) While I gave my 2 weeks notice at the service store on Wednesday, (They requested I don't come back to work) I planned to enjoy "retirement" for a few weeks, get my head back on straight, take care of some much needed things around the house, spend time with the roommate ETC ETC. I worked Thursday and Friday with the roommate, and as I was driving his truck on the way to the shop, a good friend of ours pulled me over and asked if I wanted a job. A permanent Job. I never turn down work. Especially one like this. I'm really excited. It's similar to the job I loved when I was in my late teens. Of course, like all situations, I'm sure we'll have good days and bad. Nevertheless, I'm out of there no later than 7:15 every night. I'm sure summer time will be a bit different. For now, I'm employed, and a gypsy's gotta eat :D I know I did the right thing by leaving my previous employment. Though most people find my actions a bit abnormal. All I can do is follow my intuition and know that I am always taken care of. I know there is so much more to share with those of you who actually read this. Nevertheless, Time doesn't seem to be on my side here lately.

I'm still reading as much as possible. Just waiting for that moment when I can sit in peace and pray/meditate/concentrate or whatever you may choose to call it on the little things in life that the world seems to have forgotten about.

I'm proud of me, that's all that matters.

Cheers till next time ya'll!!

short but sweet.

Its been a few days. Life's been go go go lately. Had a great weekend visiting family, some I haven't seen in quite some time. It was a very good thing for me, I came back home feeling rejuvenated. Of course, as soon as you get back into the grind it sucks all that right out of you. Drama at work, which is nothing uncommon for myself. My personality doesn't clash well with many others. Unfortunately, the type of employee I am doesn't mesh well with the places I tend to find work in either. I'm afraid I may loose my job do to my honesty with managers and local law enforcement. Seems we have some illegal actions going on in my store, and I personally stepped up to the plate and brought it to everyone's attention. Well, when you work in a corrupt little town, that's the most dangerous act you can do. Nevertheless, I will sow what I reap. I believe I have done the right thing, therefore I can not regret my choices. I can say it could have been done in a better way. Ah, but we can't change the past. Just focus on the now. Currently, I have to get in the shower and get ready to go back to work. I was hanging around on the net and thought I should update even if it's just a short one. I'll do my best to keep ya'll informed on what the outcome is. All I can say, is always do whats right and trust that God has everything taken care of for you. It's all going to work out in the end. It always does.

Cheers till next time.

When its good, its good.....

Ah, but when its bad, it's bad. There's a downfall in my personality. Its always one extreme or another with me. I can never find a happy medium. I've recently realized that I am one independent person. I have been my entire life. I suppose when you grow up in a life like I did, it's inevitable. We won't get into that.

Had a great day, till someone struck a cord, which proceeded to take the rest of the day down hill. The roommate and I aren't getting along today, nothing worse than living with Tension in the air. I tried to work on my resume' but I just can't seem to focus. Sent out a few emails, still have a few to write, but I'd rather wait for them to be of a positive stature rather than negative. I'm hoping to get some of these feelings out by writing.

I just can't understand how I can go from hot to cold in an instant. Feelings really aren't anything but an illusion in our own minds. We're made up of two, Love and Fear. So, what is the root of the feelings I have at the moment, fear. Fear of what? Fear of disappointment, fear of being alone, fear of the unknown?

Well, lets think about this. Disappointment: We all make mistakes, we are after all only human. Therefore, if someone is disappointed in me, there is nothing I can do but apologize sincerely and change my ways to avoid the end result in the future.

Being alone. If I truly believe what I claim to believe, then I shouldn't fear being alone, because I am never alone. My Master, Higher Power, God, whichever we choose to call it, is always with me. Always here by my side. So there is nothing to fear on this matter.

Fear of the unknown, that's a hard one. Again, just push forward, remember that I might not know what tomorrow brings but God does. My Master is very much aware of tomorrow and the next day, so If I'm in fear of the future due to the unknown, I must replace my fear with faith. I must be aware that all is well, even in the hard times.

I'm feeling better already.

On a happier note, I have officially scheduled my consultation with the Oral Surgeon. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I've also found out that my dental insurance will cover all but 20 percent of the surgery itself. I am not sure as far as the anesthetic or other costs. Nevertheless, the most expensive part will be covered mostly. That's some what of a relief.

My goal this week, live not in fear, but in love. If we all lived in love it would be a completely different world.

I suppose I am off to read. I have the house to myself now. A good time to read and meditate most certainly.

Cheers till next time.