short but sweet.

Its been a few days. Life's been go go go lately. Had a great weekend visiting family, some I haven't seen in quite some time. It was a very good thing for me, I came back home feeling rejuvenated. Of course, as soon as you get back into the grind it sucks all that right out of you. Drama at work, which is nothing uncommon for myself. My personality doesn't clash well with many others. Unfortunately, the type of employee I am doesn't mesh well with the places I tend to find work in either. I'm afraid I may loose my job do to my honesty with managers and local law enforcement. Seems we have some illegal actions going on in my store, and I personally stepped up to the plate and brought it to everyone's attention. Well, when you work in a corrupt little town, that's the most dangerous act you can do. Nevertheless, I will sow what I reap. I believe I have done the right thing, therefore I can not regret my choices. I can say it could have been done in a better way. Ah, but we can't change the past. Just focus on the now. Currently, I have to get in the shower and get ready to go back to work. I was hanging around on the net and thought I should update even if it's just a short one. I'll do my best to keep ya'll informed on what the outcome is. All I can say, is always do whats right and trust that God has everything taken care of for you. It's all going to work out in the end. It always does.

Cheers till next time.

When its good, its good.....

Ah, but when its bad, it's bad. There's a downfall in my personality. Its always one extreme or another with me. I can never find a happy medium. I've recently realized that I am one independent person. I have been my entire life. I suppose when you grow up in a life like I did, it's inevitable. We won't get into that.

Had a great day, till someone struck a cord, which proceeded to take the rest of the day down hill. The roommate and I aren't getting along today, nothing worse than living with Tension in the air. I tried to work on my resume' but I just can't seem to focus. Sent out a few emails, still have a few to write, but I'd rather wait for them to be of a positive stature rather than negative. I'm hoping to get some of these feelings out by writing.

I just can't understand how I can go from hot to cold in an instant. Feelings really aren't anything but an illusion in our own minds. We're made up of two, Love and Fear. So, what is the root of the feelings I have at the moment, fear. Fear of what? Fear of disappointment, fear of being alone, fear of the unknown?

Well, lets think about this. Disappointment: We all make mistakes, we are after all only human. Therefore, if someone is disappointed in me, there is nothing I can do but apologize sincerely and change my ways to avoid the end result in the future.

Being alone. If I truly believe what I claim to believe, then I shouldn't fear being alone, because I am never alone. My Master, Higher Power, God, whichever we choose to call it, is always with me. Always here by my side. So there is nothing to fear on this matter.

Fear of the unknown, that's a hard one. Again, just push forward, remember that I might not know what tomorrow brings but God does. My Master is very much aware of tomorrow and the next day, so If I'm in fear of the future due to the unknown, I must replace my fear with faith. I must be aware that all is well, even in the hard times.

I'm feeling better already.

On a happier note, I have officially scheduled my consultation with the Oral Surgeon. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I've also found out that my dental insurance will cover all but 20 percent of the surgery itself. I am not sure as far as the anesthetic or other costs. Nevertheless, the most expensive part will be covered mostly. That's some what of a relief.

My goal this week, live not in fear, but in love. If we all lived in love it would be a completely different world.

I suppose I am off to read. I have the house to myself now. A good time to read and meditate most certainly.

Cheers till next time.

Ice Cream!!!

I think its an unwritten rule that you must get ice cream after a dentist visit. Today, I had 2 fillings done. I'm completely numb on the right side of my mouth. Haven't felt these feelings in a long time. (better yet, lack of feeling.) I've got a mouth full of crap teeth. I'm going to have to have 6 of them surgically removed which scares the CRAP out of me. According to my Dentist, its a pretty big deal. If I don't get them removed soon, it could potentially cause some insane serious health issues. Most serious of them all is heart failure. If these teeth drip and it gets into my blood stream, it's just a matter of time. Now, I had intentions with my tax return to take a small vacation. Then I decided I would put it towards my teeth. Honestly, I don't want to put them towards my teeth as important as it is.

Ah, I'm not going to stress about it. Once I can talk properly I will make an appointment with the oral surgeon and see where it goes.

By the way, wish me luck and send some good juju my way. Gonna go write up a new resume' and deliver it for a better job opportunity next week. Fingers crossed!!

Jagged Little Pill

Great song.

That seems to be the theme of the evening around here. There's this girl, a young lady, I've known her for 3 years, and I have tried very hard to be a positive role model in her life. Well, now that she has become a young adult, I'm finding that my past is haunting me. She is officially surrounding herself with a very negative circle that I was once a very big part of. Of course, stories are stories, and they are to be reminisced upon when one's name is mentioned. Now, here I am, realizing that for 3 years of her life, and mine, was just a big waste. I love this girl. I love her as if she were my own. I consider her the closest thing to a daughter I will ever have. Even though I'm very much aware that I'm just a blimp in her life.

Tonight, her father had a deep adult conversation with her, and I have officially been informed that I am just as much a part of a circle I left long ago still to this day. What was once my circle is now her's. Of course, we all have set backs, we all stumble. Within the past year, I've slipped up a few times, and traveled back to that crazy circle. Always for a short period of time. Nevertheless, just enough to still be a part of it. It's been 2 or 3 months, if not more, since I visited that circle. Yet my name still travels. That bothers me. I want so bad to shed a reputation I once had. When does it stop haunting you?

I suppose this all goes back to the previous post. I can't judge her for doing the same things I once did. For living the life, throwing down, partying hard. I damn sure won't condone it. So what do I do? How do I still be there for her. If she even wants anything to do with me. I've noticed in the past month or so that she has been dwindling away from me. We don't talk like we used to, she only comes around when she needs something or wants something.

Its hard when you're informed that "everybody knows". Living in a small town has its perks, but it can really suck the life out of you at times too.

I'm worried for her sake. I know she's strong. Hell, she's stronger than I was at her age. She'll make it out alive. I just wish she didn't have to travel down that road to begin with.

And me. Well, It's very hard when you realize that your past never really leaves. You can forget about it, you can move on, but one day it will come back to bite you in the ass. I'm swallowing that pill tonight. That pill, and the self pity pill. Trying very hard not to feel sorry for myself for doing what I've done to my name.

I'm a strong independent woman. A gypsy. I can pick myself up by the bootstraps and push through this. Mucky Water don't stop me! I suppose we all have a history that comes back to haunt us. I have two choices, move, or face the world I live in. I've run my whole life. I think this time I'll stick it out and push through it. What other choice do I have? Won't I just be reliving the same mistakes again in the long run? Isn't life about learning and moving forward? Not making mistakes and running away.

If that feisty little redhead ever finds this, Please know I love you. I am always here for you. When you need help, I am just a phone call away. I don't like what you're doing, but I'm aware that just like me, you gotta figure it all out on your own.

I'm feeling a bit better already. So glad I started this blog. Three times in one day ya'll? That's a bit scary, ya might not here from me for a few days.

Till Next Time.....

ahhh.

Ok, so I've finally gotten the majority of my to do list done. I'm surprised at how simple things can really exhaust me these days. Not sure what that's about. I'm usually ready for a nap mid afternoon. I've cleaned my room, got the last two loads of laundry going. Cleaned the kitchen, although I get to do that all over again next seeing as I've just made 2 lasagna's! Got my grocery shopping done, took my books and cd's back to the library. Checked out a few more I need to rip to the computer. I think its time for a short break. On an extremely happy note, I found an old friend today that I am super excited about. She started on the path I am now on quite a few years back. I wasn't ready to follow and although I didn't judge her, she needed to go on her way. I'm thrilled to see where our friendship can go seeing as she is a few years ahead of me now from a spiritual stand point.

So, lets talk faults. I think its a very positive and important thing as a being to pay attention to your personality and find things you can work on to better yourself. This week, I want to work on the way I tend to view others. I am very quick to jump the gun and forget to put myself in their shoes. I truly hate that about myself. We can't expect people to treat us a certain way, especially if we don't treat them that specific way. My line of work, I deal with all sorts. Its a run of the mill job, and my co-workers have a tendency to not share the same work ethics as myself. I am very quick to get upset, even angry when I feel I am the one pulling all the weight. I have got to learn to be concerned with myself and remember that what others choose to do in and out of the workplace is beyond my control. If anyone has any advice on this matter, I would greatly appreciate it. I need a simple word maybe, to remind myself that I just need to be concerned with myself. In all aspects of life. We all have free will, and the ability to make our own choices.

Anywho, roommate just got home. So I'm gonna go spend some time with him. More to write later I'm sure.

Thank Goodness for Days Off!

Hello Weekend! (Yes, I know its Monday to the world, but it's Saturday to me!) Today is going to be a semi lazy day. Clean my room, do some laundry, cook some yummy dinner. Yup, that's it. I suppose not much has really happened in the exciting field since last Friday. A few hard days at work. Some meditation. Some jammin out to awesome music. That would be the extent of my life. I try to live things simply. Thoreau said it best, "Allow the cares of your life to fit on the nail of your thumb." (Please don't test the quote, it's not spot on!) Nevertheless, I believe he was on to something. To truly live a life of peace, you must not overwhelm yourself with too many cares or stresses. Therefore, I am trying to bring my life down to as many simplicities as possible.

I've been reading the book of Buddha here lately, and am truly inspired by it. Did you know he was the prince of a fairly large kingdom, and in his mid twenties he decided to up and leave it all behind in search of true spiritual enlightenment? He became aware that material things were just that. Nothing really mattered except the sanctity of your own soul. He left everything to wander off in the woods for 6 years. If I new I wouldn't die, I would do the same. I can barely survive in a house, let alone in the woods! Ha!

I wish I had more to write, and I suppose really I do. But it's 11am. Dinner is at 5, and I have a good bit to accomplish today.

Going to do my best to post again soon. It's difficult with limited access to the internet.

A Day In The Life of a Gypsy

I suppose it comes to no surprise that I'm starting yet another blog. Seeing as I have chosen to delete all of my social networking sites, I am hoping to find an outlet in blogging. Don't get me wrong, I am not opposed to SN sites. I am just finding that I want to get back to my personal roots. Back to my intended purpose (whatever that may be.) Yea Yea, so why are you blogging on the internet Shana? The internet is an addiction, much like any other habit, good or bad, it's a hard one to kick!

Tuesday was my day off. I took that day, and had planned on running some personal errands. I woke up, got showered and dressed, loaded 12 bags of clothes, shoes, jackets and a few household items into my car, and headed off to run my errands. First stop was to the local Community Thrift Store where I donated all 12 bags. When the gentleman asked me if I needed a tax receipt I proudly stated, No Sir! I know it's a bit cheesy, but something about giving without receiving is unbelievable. I need to do such a thing more often. It just so happened, on this cold, grey, rainy day I brought my Camera with me. I've been longing to capture photos, memories, life. I'm heading back towards the library with my kindle and laptop in tow as to do some personal research, read more of the Book of Buddha, print my W2's, etc etc. As I drive through the town square, I notice two elder men, in their early 70's would be my guess. They are standing on the side of the road, in the rain, holding signs that say, "No More War" and "War is Not the ONLY answer." Now, it's not unusual in this small town to find people picketing on the town square, usually its for anti gay rights or anti abortion. (The Joy's of the bible belt.) This time, I was taken aback. To see two old men, in the rain, protesting War. Men who have obviously been to war themselves. Men who have seen it, lived it, relived it. Men who still have the nightmares. To protest on this cold and rainy day really spoke volumes. I politely waved to them both, and drove on. I made it about 2 miles past when a voice inside me said, Turn Around, Take their photos. Of course, I hesitated for a moment. One of my personal faults is fear and intimidation in all types of scenarios. I can usually talk my self out of listening to that little voice inside my head. This time, I talked myself into it. I turned my car around, parked, and in the wet, cold, dreary day, walked up to one of the gentleman and asked if I could take a few photo's. He politely obliged, so long as he didn't have to smile. I giggled and said, I personally would prefer you not to. I want you to do as natural as you do. After getting a few shots, he asked me to stand with him and hold a sign.

Ok, so here is where it starts. I am a confused individual. A mix of a hippy and a rebel. (Yes, I know, very contradicting.) Nevertheless, I accept that this is who I am. I love to shoot guns, I enjoy eating the Venison that is brought to me by local hunters. I am a natural in the woods. I support my troops, I support the men and woman that are risking their lives so that I can voice my opinion on the side of the road. I found a sign I felt comfortable holding, he offered to take a few pictures of myself. We stood their, chatting in the rain, for a good hour or so. I'm holding my sign, which says "Support our Troops, Bring them home." I am taken aback at the amount of dirty looks we get as well as the amount of thumbs up. All these people driving by in their warm vehicles, dry, comfortable. As myself and these two men are standing up for what we personally believe in.

The one gentleman, we will call him Kent, and I strike up quite a conversation. He is asking me questions about myself, and I am answering truthfully. He looks at me in shock with some of my responses to questions like, why did you stop, what are your views, etc. Somewhere along the line, he asks my age. I tell him I am 26. Again, a look of shock comes over him. He tells me he is in awe of my views on life. That he, at 72 and myself at 26 think very similar. I ask if he believes in reincarnation and explain that my soul has been around the block a time or two, or twenty. With this he responds "I am atheist." I smile, explaining that I too was an atheist once. Time is going by and Kent is trying to get Sid's attention (The other gentlemen on the other side of the square) It's time to go on now. We've done our jobs for the day He says. They invite me to coffee and the three of us meet at McDonald's. Apparently, according to Kent, Sig is a cheapskate and likes the senior citizen discount coffee. I smile, we sit at a large round table. Just the three of us. I discover that Sig is a retired Lutheran Minister.

Here I am, a person searching for spiritual enlightenment, sitting with a retired Lutheran minister and an atheist. There was a wide variety of discussion. With 3 hearing impaired individuals nearly yelling across the table to each other we are obtaining looks from every angle of the restaurant. Maybe it was seeing a 26 year old young woman proudly and confidently sitting at the table with two 70 something year old men, maybe it was the topic of how our world is going down fast, and none of us we're afraid to be the black sheep. Nevertheless, I find myself, for the first time in my life, simpy listening instead of talking. Hearing stories of war, stories of love, stories of family. I believe Kent and Sig enjoyed my company immensely. Having someone to share the same ole stories to. Someone who's never heard them. Someone who is intrigued and listening intently.

This entry is not what I intended it to be. Nevertheless, I learned something this day. Well, I learned a few things really.

1. Always listen to that voice in you're head, you'll be amazed where it takes you.
2. While I do not support War and I firmly believe there are other ways around it, I do support the human lives that are fighting it, living it, breathing it, and will forever do the three. I understand that in this day and age, unfortunately we have brought so much hate and anger in the world, that War is inevitable. Eventually, good will be at war with evil. (if this war hasn't yet started) It is a part of life, even though I hate it.
3. Most importantly, learn to listen. Listen between the words you are hearing. It's amazing what you can learn.


Cheers till next time. This post was a bit rushed, seeing as I've got to start getting ready for work. Unfortunately, a Gypsy's gotta eat too :D