You never cease to surprise me. Just when I think I've got it all figured out. The switch is flipped. Again.
I'm good. Safe. Just emotionally distraught. Whats new though, right? Been feeling more alone than ever here lately. I'm aware I've done it to myself. I always do. Never let people get to close. It's instilled in me from a time in my life where I had no control. If you allow people to get too close to you, it's inevitable that you'll get hurt. They'll disappear, and you'll be alone anyway.
I've always been socially challenged. I keep trying to make changes in a more positive direction. For whatever reason, its a very complicated and difficult idea for me to grasp on to. I don't understand why I have such a hard time with it. Why I can't figure out how to make new friends, be more socially capable or simply keep up with old friends. Even meeting friends from my past is awkward for me. I'm very uncomfortable.
I suppose it could very well be attached to the low self esteem I seem to struggle with. I seem to feel out of place in every circumstance and situation I am in. Very rarely do I not feel like I am putting on a face for someone else. I don't mean to be fake if that's what I'm doing. I just don't know how to be me I guess. I've struggled with that my entire life.
Here's is something else that is driving me up a wall. I have been so unbelievably wishy washy lately. What is that all about? I raise all sorts of hell about something, only to be just as guilty. I'm falling back to the life long question. Who am I? Have I just been trying on more masks to see if I fall into place.
yet I never do.
